Lameking.net

6 months and I’ve been without a fucking job. I am completely serious. I have a degree and 3 years of experience too. I’ve been getting by on less than $1,000 a month (Epic feat in SoCal let me tell you) from my card counting skills at the local casinos. I have a few winning sessions, and of course a few losing sessions, but overall the last 6 times I’ve been I’ve come out ahead 5 times which has just been magical. Highlights include 1 strike in which I took $400 from them in one hand splitting 9/9 against a 6, pulling 2 17’s with the dealer busting out. (Anyone wants to team play in SoCal do msg me k thx)

I don’t know how anyone gets a job anymore, I seriously fucking don’t. I’ve cold called, resume “blasted” and networked with everyone who would listen to me open my mouth. I’ve sent out countless emails, letters, thank-you’s and sucked so much verbal cock my mouth hurts from puckering up to HR idiots. I can tell you “Where I want to be 5 years from now” and I know how to turn my weaknesses into strengths. “Oh this looks like a great opportunity for me, I’m so excited to meet with you” literally falls off my tongue each time I speak to some of these people. It’s an act, they know it’s an act, I know they know it’s an act but it’s a song that must be sung. This is professional business speaking, overly polite bullshit.

My search has had it’s ups and downs; 3 companies verbally gave me the green light and last second the plug gets pulled from internal issues (See: Money). One company out here made me come in 3 times, fill out an employee “quiz”, supply references, and come back in to meet with 1 guy who decided to take the day off when I was in there meeting the other 5 people I’d be working with. Then they dragged out the process for 5 months and it was paying $10,000 less than what I was making before. The benefits were great, the company was stable, and it seemed like a match, right? When your unemployed, broke, and creditors are calling you do these things. These stupid irrational things and you keep a smile on your face the entire time because what else can you do?

I’ve gone from a sense of “freedom” the first week I was laid off to anger, to resentment, to frustration, to tranquility, to desperation, and finally where I am at now - “FUCK EM”. That’s where I’m at right now as well. It’s reached a point to where I just don’t give a fuck anymore and whatever happens, so fucking be it. I’m also changing my attitude with these guys as well, I’m frankly sick of my time being wasted by every empty promise in the book. When they call me with their golden “ticket” of opportunity, I’m calling bullshit and like I tell women (It’s YOUR HONOR my penis is in your mouth) and it’s YOUR honor I’m at least passively interested in your fucktard of a company.I had one guy I met with last week who spoke to me for 2 hours on the phone, we were laughing, sharing common interests, and it seemed like an exact personality and professional match.

I even wanted to hang out with the guy if things went well because I really enjoyed our conversation - both hail from startups and had both rode the rocky ups and downs of the tech industry. I went in the following day per his invite (Saying to him on the phone; “If your in town, I will make myself available because I’m excited about this match”) and I felt it clicked.I walked out of the interview confident I’d get an offer the next week as he told me specifically, “Call me Monday to touch base” and I presumed that meant to iron out specifics for the next week.4 calls, an email, 2 text messages (Texting… I know, but it’s California we are different here) in 3 days and no word back. He returns my email 4 days later and makes me out to be somewhat of a stalker asking me to quit emailing and calling. Gee, that’s funny because you said you’d be expecting my call on Monday and you were unavailable, I’m just trying to be proactive and I want to let you know I’m sincerely interested.

I guess on his planet that’s not how you get a job, you just kind of hang out and smoke weed in between beach trips and Mario Kart and work kind of just finds you. Money isn’t earned, it’s just picked from the tree in the backyard and girls don’t expect dates or dinner for sex it’s the first word out of their mouth and they are upset when your penis is anything but 5 inches.

I also think that some of these fucks get a power trip kick out of having someone come down to their office at 1 pm, dawn a business suit, pay for parking, print out resumes, be overly polite to people you don’t even know, and basically fuck up their entire afternoon to come down and answer endless questions about stupid bullshit nobody gives a fuck about anyway. I’m not landing the space shuttle I’m in marketing which means I make spreadsheets and graphs and supply the VP’s with whatever bullshit they want or need to sell their useless product. I can operate Excel and I know how to email people, can have the job now? Oh you want to see 30 pages on how to market pens? Yes sir I’m on it.

Secretly, I also think that a lot of these male-dominated companies are looking to hire 20 somethings who look good in business slacks and dresses because their spineless, dickless, assholes who cannot get laid in real life so they get off (Literally) by bossing and telling some young girl who wouldn’t give them the time of day in high school how to fax and develop spreadsheets. “That’s not how I take my coffee!” echoes though the hallways. Yes I mean that, and I’m probably right too.

I also think a lot of these employers are on a magical fantasy island where they think they can hire someone who will work for $35,000 a year with 10 years of experience working directly with their competitor. Realty checking in here: these people do not exist. If you want someone with experience, who presents well, who can really help your company, you have to pay them what they are worth or they will just leave in 3 months anyway when they are not challenges and your $17.50 an hour starts to suck cock in this economy where gas here is $4.25 a gallon and lunch anywhere will set you back $12.00. Here’s a resume I think Mr. Loser wants working “under” him:

Does that seem like reality to you? I’m just checking because that’s not to me either. Well, fuck searching for a job and this emotional roller coaster, I’m back to Mario Kart and that bong isn’t going to hit itself.

Happy job hunting in 2008, friends.

This entry was posted on Wednesday, March 19th, 2008 at 11:20 pm and is filed under Lameking. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.

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