Lameking.net

This morning was absolutely amazing. I woke up with an erection and decided to take advantage of that since it’s the first time I’ve been hard without the little blue pill or booze in weeks. Maybe my luck is turning, but anyway I was watching this boygirl tranny porn (Here if your interested) and right as I had that twinkle in my eye my phone rang.

Normally, I’d let it go straight to voicemail,  but I’ve been job seeking for a few months now and I have my resume floating around everywhere (Including Speedway!), I thought this may have been an offer. I’m also dead broke so every time the phone rings, it brings hope. I made a mistake and decided to answer. The lady on the other end of the line opened with the standard corporate bullshit line “Hey, Spooner, is now a good time?” and boy, how do I answer that? Ironically, in one sense, it was just about that time - but in the other, no.

“Sure” I let out, but right as that happened, the other thing happened. I had it everywhere and it wasn’t stopping. All over my fucking laptop touch pad, my phone, hell I think I even got some in my hair. I started with the profanity and the lady on the other end of the phone must have been completely and utterly confused.

“Fuck” I said right into my phone.

“Excuse me? Is everything alright over there?” she said.

“I..I.. I was jacking off to transexual porn and you called right as I money-shotted into my palm and in a fury to answer the phone I got goop all over myself, my laptop, and my $700.00 phone spilled kool-aid all over my laptop, let me give you a call back” I countered.

I’ve got a meeting for tomorrow at 10 AM, this time I’ll call my grandma 20 minutes before our meeting to ensure no funny businessss or hijinksss on my end. Sssorry, the “S” key is sssticking and I don’t know why.

Some of you have known of this site and have been reading for a while, whilst others of you are brand new to my hijinks and I guarantee that if you visit this page with any degree of regularity you’ll fall in love with the content. I have many fans around the globe, and often times when I’m out and about doing things during the day my fans approach me and ask for autographs and pictures.

Some fans even go as far as to alert the media, paparazzi, and local news channels. Often I’m notified by my PR company of things and fans will call in and report what I’m seen doing around the city. Below you’ll see a snapshot of the last 48 or so hours of my life, and we you can tell, I pretty much live a pampered and lavish lifestyle surrounded by unobtainable items for the common folk and everyone is jealous of me.

Hi this is Marissa, I’m a long time fan of Lameking and I just wanted to say that I saw Spooner last week walking down the street. He was looking a little ragged (I could tell he had two different color socks on, but was oblivious to this) and I saw him get into a verbal confrontation with a homeless man over a quarter. From what I could make out, Spooner said that he saw the quarter first and that he had “dibbs” on it while the homeless man cried foul. In a surprise move, the homeless man, wearing black fingerless gloves, sucker punched Spooner right in the mouth, and within moments, they were wrestling on the ground right there on the sidewalk.

After 45 seconds roughly, the homeless man jumped off Spooner and I saw him making a gesture at Spooner, calling him what I could roughly hear “A sick fuck” and then I saw Spooner get up, and say something like “I’m not gay, it was just the friction” and walk away.

He never did get the quarter.

It seems that I can’t even squeeze the happy lumberjack now-a-days without comedy ensuing. Bad luck follows me around like stink on a monkey and today was a day like no other.

My neighbor is a reverend and his wife is a well-read housewife who is into gardening, her cat, and making small talk with me when I take the trash out. The “Rev” as we call him in our pad is into playing the saxophone and can be heard piping away daily around 3:30 pm, which is also the time I make a sandwich and take my mid day break from work (I do the whole home office thing).

My stress reliever normally involves visits to xtube, redtube, and xvideos.com which you can probably deduce from the context isn’t a site about puppies and kittens, it’s about young girls getting drilled every which way and even in ways you can’t comprehend or understand. Let it be known that I have very good speakers that I bought so that I could hear footsteps in Counter-Strike (Cool, right?) so I have the full on porn experience over here.

I caught myself fapping today to a very good scene with Shayla Styles in it (She digs black guys and anal), and half way through her scene (She’s piloting a plane, can you imagine her really doing that?) I hear the sweat melodies of the Sax filtering in through my cracked window. My lunchtime masturbation ritual now has a soundtrack orchestrated by a reverend. I know you have to be jealous of this, as from what I’ve discussed with friends, I’m the only person with such a circumstance.

The best part is that the “Rev” is a very good saxophone player, often times I have to pause mid stroke or turn down the “Oh, right there, don’t stop!” or “Yes, Yes, I’m coming fuck me harder!” on my speakers when he is into the second and third musical frames because sound is really beautiful and it’s a free concert. Once or twice I caught myself stopping completely because I’ve been so captivated by the musical beauty that’s surrounding me. I picture him sitting around his kitchen table wearing some slacks with a loose fitting blazer with the music stand in front of him playing some sweet jazz, while his wife is looking on with a warm smile on her face dipping and turning her head in approval while knitting him a scarf.

Meanwhile, they are completely unaware of the meat attack going on 10 feet away from their kitchen window while I’m beating myself silly with the curtains drawn and spitting every so often in my hands for lube watching 2 black guys fuck a drugged 19 year old in the ass.

How’s that for irony?

Did you really think that I’d be able to stay away from this? Please. Few things I need to get off my chest; first off thanks everyone for the support, including Mike who saved my butt when the domain went up for auction (Fetching $250.00 from one lonely bidder who was probably into Cosplay). When I took lameking down I got a ton of emails (Okay I got 3, but that’s a ton for an E/N site), and a lot of IMs from people begging for me to put the site back up. 2 Years later I heed your cry, friends. Also, if you had me linked before, and you wish for me to reciprocate the link back to you, let me know. If your a fan of my work, after I get a few posts up and get my layout squared away, please drop me a plug. If you want hot cyber, my email address is spooner40oz - at - yahoo.com. Send me porn, spam, and Viagra offers please.

I’m going to try to update this page with goodness twice a week, once with a weekend wrap up post and another midweek. Keeping with Lameking customs and traditions, the self-deprecating humor, porn (Teen panty pics, etc.), and imagery that you’ve grown so fond of will be making it’s Ali-like return to the web. I know there’s a big market for what I did, so here I am.

While I get my new layout, server configuration, and all that junk setup and operational, let Internet prodigy, Ian, bedazzle you with his interpretation of “I Believe in a Thing Called Love” which I am making my Lameking.net theme song.