Lameking.net

Hey I know you can microwave Tupperware for like 2 minutes.. but what if there’s a bat inside there?

My roommate who is into home and garden channel and watches sex in (or is it and? - who really cares anyway) the city decided to gut the inside of our house and do some remodeling. He also drinks sparking mineral water and goes on nature hikes so I like to make fun of him a lot, but it’s fine because he dosen’t know I’m doing it.

The thing is on TV remodeling is also done within about 20 minutes, 30 with commercial breaks and what’s not seen is an entire army of people working behind the scenes around the clock to finish in say, a week. Each day I come home the house gets worse and worse. Hopefully today I’ll come home and there will still be a door. Yesterday, we were without water for the evening as the plumbing was “accidentally” shut off. My roommate, like a used car salesman, assures me the end justifies the means and the new remodel will be “great”.

If “great” means I’ll be able to watch and watch TV again on a couch instead of sitting on a bucket of paint then I’m all for it.

I also watched a show on TV (Power still works, thank God) about young Princes/Princesses who are so rich they have diamonds embedded onto fake eyelashes. On a related note, since our bathroom plumbing is questionable for the weekend I’ll be peeing in empty milk jug bottles and eating Carls Jr because it’s across the street.

Check it out, Curtis gets about 20 miles per bail of hay and jug of water. Refueling takes place a few times an hour with like, an apple or carrot. Answers to simple voice commands. I can tie him up outside of my office by the bike rack with some rope and use him to lure women over to pet him. Kiss my ass EXXON!!!1

I’m really pissed off for a few reasons. One of them being the cost of gas in this country and everyone bitching about the cost of gas in this country and then the media talking about how people are bitching about gas in this country. I’m at the point where I’m over it now. Gas is like eating birthday cake, when there’s a whole cake sitting there at a birthday party and everyone is full, the cost of the birthday cake is very cheap.

As fat people get there the slices dwindle and the last few pieces are valued at a premium. Think of gasoline like cake, we’re past the point as a society in which there is more than enough cake to go around (And feed some to the dog too), so we’re going to pay a lot of money for the last few slices. Get over this, the cake is not going to magically regenerate, we have to switch deserts and start eating frozen yogurt and rice krispy treats. Buy a fucking hybrid already.Throw that bullshit in with the fact that I can’t read digg.com or any other bullshit social media site without getting pissed off about how someone is getting ripped off, some insanely stupid law somewhere is imprisoning some 14 year old kid in Ireland for babysitting a goat and everyone is at arms but can’t do anything because the 1 person that’s the alibi was detained at her house due to some freak cougar attack and THEN on the way her car got hit by a tornado.

Also, Fox News is complete bullshit. Do not believe anything you see/read/hear on that mockery of a television show. That channel is geared towards people too stupid to draw their own logical conclusions based on a series of events. If I have crumbs all over my face and chocolate smeared on my lips while guzzling milk, it’s safe to assume that I ate the tray of cookies. Fox news will tell you that some elite conspiracy cell did it operating under the guise of religion while running their chain of operations and commands from a series of underground caves in the foothills of a remote part of an island yet to be discovered (But it’s rumored to have to). Then they’ll show you pictures of some idiot in the corn belt waving his flag making 9$ per hour. RAD.

Another thing I really hate are female radio disk jockeys. I’d rather sit in my room and slit my wrists and listen to cats being tossed into food processors than listening to early morning radio commentary about some “hot must see band” that’s completely bullshit. No thanks.

6 months and I’ve been without a fucking job. I am completely serious. I have a degree and 3 years of experience too. I’ve been getting by on less than $1,000 a month (Epic feat in SoCal let me tell you) from my card counting skills at the local casinos. I have a few winning sessions, and of course a few losing sessions, but overall the last 6 times I’ve been I’ve come out ahead 5 times which has just been magical. Highlights include 1 strike in which I took $400 from them in one hand splitting 9/9 against a 6, pulling 2 17’s with the dealer busting out. (Anyone wants to team play in SoCal do msg me k thx)

I don’t know how anyone gets a job anymore, I seriously fucking don’t. I’ve cold called, resume “blasted” and networked with everyone who would listen to me open my mouth. I’ve sent out countless emails, letters, thank-you’s and sucked so much verbal cock my mouth hurts from puckering up to HR idiots. I can tell you “Where I want to be 5 years from now” and I know how to turn my weaknesses into strengths. “Oh this looks like a great opportunity for me, I’m so excited to meet with you” literally falls off my tongue each time I speak to some of these people. It’s an act, they know it’s an act, I know they know it’s an act but it’s a song that must be sung. This is professional business speaking, overly polite bullshit.

My search has had it’s ups and downs; 3 companies verbally gave me the green light and last second the plug gets pulled from internal issues (See: Money). One company out here made me come in 3 times, fill out an employee “quiz”, supply references, and come back in to meet with 1 guy who decided to take the day off when I was in there meeting the other 5 people I’d be working with. Then they dragged out the process for 5 months and it was paying $10,000 less than what I was making before. The benefits were great, the company was stable, and it seemed like a match, right? When your unemployed, broke, and creditors are calling you do these things. These stupid irrational things and you keep a smile on your face the entire time because what else can you do?

I’ve gone from a sense of “freedom” the first week I was laid off to anger, to resentment, to frustration, to tranquility, to desperation, and finally where I am at now - “FUCK EM”. That’s where I’m at right now as well. It’s reached a point to where I just don’t give a fuck anymore and whatever happens, so fucking be it. I’m also changing my attitude with these guys as well, I’m frankly sick of my time being wasted by every empty promise in the book. When they call me with their golden “ticket” of opportunity, I’m calling bullshit and like I tell women (It’s YOUR HONOR my penis is in your mouth) and it’s YOUR honor I’m at least passively interested in your fucktard of a company.I had one guy I met with last week who spoke to me for 2 hours on the phone, we were laughing, sharing common interests, and it seemed like an exact personality and professional match.

I even wanted to hang out with the guy if things went well because I really enjoyed our conversation - both hail from startups and had both rode the rocky ups and downs of the tech industry. I went in the following day per his invite (Saying to him on the phone; “If your in town, I will make myself available because I’m excited about this match”) and I felt it clicked.I walked out of the interview confident I’d get an offer the next week as he told me specifically, “Call me Monday to touch base” and I presumed that meant to iron out specifics for the next week.4 calls, an email, 2 text messages (Texting… I know, but it’s California we are different here) in 3 days and no word back. He returns my email 4 days later and makes me out to be somewhat of a stalker asking me to quit emailing and calling. Gee, that’s funny because you said you’d be expecting my call on Monday and you were unavailable, I’m just trying to be proactive and I want to let you know I’m sincerely interested.

I guess on his planet that’s not how you get a job, you just kind of hang out and smoke weed in between beach trips and Mario Kart and work kind of just finds you. Money isn’t earned, it’s just picked from the tree in the backyard and girls don’t expect dates or dinner for sex it’s the first word out of their mouth and they are upset when your penis is anything but 5 inches.

I also think that some of these fucks get a power trip kick out of having someone come down to their office at 1 pm, dawn a business suit, pay for parking, print out resumes, be overly polite to people you don’t even know, and basically fuck up their entire afternoon to come down and answer endless questions about stupid bullshit nobody gives a fuck about anyway. I’m not landing the space shuttle I’m in marketing which means I make spreadsheets and graphs and supply the VP’s with whatever bullshit they want or need to sell their useless product. I can operate Excel and I know how to email people, can have the job now? Oh you want to see 30 pages on how to market pens? Yes sir I’m on it.

Secretly, I also think that a lot of these male-dominated companies are looking to hire 20 somethings who look good in business slacks and dresses because their spineless, dickless, assholes who cannot get laid in real life so they get off (Literally) by bossing and telling some young girl who wouldn’t give them the time of day in high school how to fax and develop spreadsheets. “That’s not how I take my coffee!” echoes though the hallways. Yes I mean that, and I’m probably right too.

I also think a lot of these employers are on a magical fantasy island where they think they can hire someone who will work for $35,000 a year with 10 years of experience working directly with their competitor. Realty checking in here: these people do not exist. If you want someone with experience, who presents well, who can really help your company, you have to pay them what they are worth or they will just leave in 3 months anyway when they are not challenges and your $17.50 an hour starts to suck cock in this economy where gas here is $4.25 a gallon and lunch anywhere will set you back $12.00. Here’s a resume I think Mr. Loser wants working “under” him:

Does that seem like reality to you? I’m just checking because that’s not to me either. Well, fuck searching for a job and this emotional roller coaster, I’m back to Mario Kart and that bong isn’t going to hit itself.

Happy job hunting in 2008, friends.

Well I’m back here posting on Lameking, again. I was busy the last few weeks planning a hiking trip up K2 with my friend Adam, but sadly it fell through. Adam said he could get a deal or some sort of 2 for 1 discount on the helicopter rental and English speaking pilot through some page he found on Google but reality set in when we found out that this great 2 for 1 discount would still cost us almost $20,000 fucking dollars.

I met this girl (Not the one pictured here but the girl I did meet did have brown hair and boobs which is close enough) a few weeks ago in a bar and ended up back at her place somehow, and by the powers that be I some how managed a little action. The best thing is that she’s pretty dirty and despite my shotty track record with women and my questionable sexuality preference as of late (Ahem, tranny pornos!) we’ve been sending nasty texts back and forth all day and it makes my day go by a little faster (Well, I’m unemployed at the moment so it speeds up the commercials).

I have the iPhone and I have a bad habit of clicking too quickly and when you pair that with not caring too much it’s a deadly combination. Her name is Brandy and I have a guy named Brandon B right next to each other in my address book and I accidentally texted “I woke up this morning with a hard on and I masturbated thinking of my fingers in your ass” to my auto mechanic and sadly I didn’t get a response. I guess I’ll have to find a new mechanic now due to me fingering some random girls butt.

This week is starting off great, no K2 and I have to find a new mechanic. Or the kicker could be he’s been secretly hoping to receive this text from me and it’s taking him 24 hours to select his words very carefully when he responds. The anticipation is killing me here. Well, Brandy is calling, I’d better go. Stay tuned this could be a pretty funny story.

Some of you have known of this site and have been reading for a while, whilst others of you are brand new to my hijinks and I guarantee that if you visit this page with any degree of regularity you’ll fall in love with the content. I have many fans around the globe, and often times when I’m out and about doing things during the day my fans approach me and ask for autographs and pictures.

Some fans even go as far as to alert the media, paparazzi, and local news channels. Often I’m notified by my PR company of things and fans will call in and report what I’m seen doing around the city. Below you’ll see a snapshot of the last 48 or so hours of my life, and we you can tell, I pretty much live a pampered and lavish lifestyle surrounded by unobtainable items for the common folk and everyone is jealous of me.

Hi this is Marissa, I’m a long time fan of Lameking and I just wanted to say that I saw Spooner last week walking down the street. He was looking a little ragged (I could tell he had two different color socks on, but was oblivious to this) and I saw him get into a verbal confrontation with a homeless man over a quarter. From what I could make out, Spooner said that he saw the quarter first and that he had “dibbs” on it while the homeless man cried foul. In a surprise move, the homeless man, wearing black fingerless gloves, sucker punched Spooner right in the mouth, and within moments, they were wrestling on the ground right there on the sidewalk.

After 45 seconds roughly, the homeless man jumped off Spooner and I saw him making a gesture at Spooner, calling him what I could roughly hear “A sick fuck” and then I saw Spooner get up, and say something like “I’m not gay, it was just the friction” and walk away.

He never did get the quarter.

Did you really think that I’d be able to stay away from this? Please. Few things I need to get off my chest; first off thanks everyone for the support, including Mike who saved my butt when the domain went up for auction (Fetching $250.00 from one lonely bidder who was probably into Cosplay). When I took lameking down I got a ton of emails (Okay I got 3, but that’s a ton for an E/N site), and a lot of IMs from people begging for me to put the site back up. 2 Years later I heed your cry, friends. Also, if you had me linked before, and you wish for me to reciprocate the link back to you, let me know. If your a fan of my work, after I get a few posts up and get my layout squared away, please drop me a plug. If you want hot cyber, my email address is spooner40oz - at - yahoo.com. Send me porn, spam, and Viagra offers please.

I’m going to try to update this page with goodness twice a week, once with a weekend wrap up post and another midweek. Keeping with Lameking customs and traditions, the self-deprecating humor, porn (Teen panty pics, etc.), and imagery that you’ve grown so fond of will be making it’s Ali-like return to the web. I know there’s a big market for what I did, so here I am.

While I get my new layout, server configuration, and all that junk setup and operational, let Internet prodigy, Ian, bedazzle you with his interpretation of “I Believe in a Thing Called Love” which I am making my Lameking.net theme song.